Reflections on the Ongoing Nature of Grief and the Pain of Loss

Grief is not a problem to solve or a wound that neatly heals with time. It is the natural and necessary response to losing someone we love. And despite how often we are told to “move on” or “get over it,” grief does not operate on a timeline, nor does it ever truly disappear. Instead, we come to understand that we do not get over grief. We learn to carry it.

Grief expert David Kessler reminds us, “Each person’s grief is as unique as their fingerprint.” There is no correct pace. No neat arc. No set of steps that will return us to who we were before. What grief asks of us is not completion, but integration. We begin to live beside our grief, rather than in constant resistance to it.

One of the hardest invitations grief offers is to feel the pain instead of avoiding it. In Understanding Your Grief, Dr. Alan Wolfelt shares the Six Needs of Mourning, and the need to “Embrace the Pain of the Loss. He writes, “It’s easier to avoid, repress, or deny the pain of grief than it is to greet it head-on, yet it is in confronting our pain that we learn to reconcile ourselves to it.”

The word “embrace” can be difficult for some grievers to connect with. For some, it suggests an unwelcome closeness to something they never wanted in the first place. One client of mine, for example, imagined her grief as a stray dog. Scruffy, dirty, unwanted. At first, she tried to shoo it away, hoping it would disappear. But the dog stayed. It followed her. It curled up on her porch. Eventually, she resigned herself to its presence. She scratched behind its ears, offered a little food and water, and began to care for it. “I didn’t ask for this,” she said, “but it’s mine now. And oddly enough, I’m learning to live with it.” That is the work of carrying grief, not with joy or ease, but with care, compassion, and reluctant tenderness.

Kessler writes, “You don’t move on from grief. You move forward with it.” When there is deep love, there will be deep pain in its absence. That pain is not evidence of something broken in us. It is a reflection of the bond that remains. Actor Andrew Garfield once said on losing his mother, “I hope this grief stays with me, because it is all the unexpressed love I didn’t get to tell her.”

This is not about suffering endlessly. It is not about romanticizing pain. Rather, it is about acknowledging that pain is not the enemy. Denial is. Ignoring the pain does not protect us from it. It only delays the healing that comes from giving it space.

Kessler encourages us to “feel it to heal it.” To do well with our grief does not mean pushing it away or mastering it. It means becoming familiar with it. Learning how to live alongside it. Sometimes that means talking with a trusted friend, journaling, creating art, crying freely, or simply breathing through a hard moment. As we allow our grief to exist, we begin to integrate it. It does not go away, but it becomes something we carry differently. More gently, perhaps, and with more understanding.

Grief is not a season we pass through and leave behind. It is something we carry forward, reshaping our lives around the absence it leaves. But in carrying it, we also carry our love. And in honoring our pain, we honor the ones we miss.

 

Helpful Ways to Move Forward with Grief

Adapted from the work of David Kessler, Dr. Alan Wolfelt, and other grief professionals

Find meaning when you are ready
David Kessler identifies “finding meaning” as a sixth stage of grief, not about justifying the loss, but about finding purpose, legacy, or connection despite it. You don’t have to rush here. It’s okay if that meaning unfolds slowly or never looks like what you expected. It can be small or grand.

Let the grief move through you, not around you
David Kessler reminds us: “You don’t move on from grief, you move forward with it.” Let your grief have its place. Suppressing it prolongs the pain; feeling it helps integrate it.

 

Give your grief a voice
Journaling, art, music, or speaking with a trusted person gives form to what’s often difficult to express. According to Dr. Alan Wolfelt, “Mourning is grief gone public.” Expressing your inner world outwardly is an essential part of healing.

 

Befriend the pain, gently and gradually
Dr. Wolfelt also encourages becoming well-acquainted with your pain. This doesn’t mean welcoming it, but acknowledging that it’s yours now—and treating it with compassion rather than resistance.

 

Create rituals of remembrance.
Lighting a candle, visiting a meaningful place, keeping a photo nearby, or intentionally remembering them on special occasions can serve as acts of connection. Rituals provide structure and ongoing acknowledgment of the loss, which is essential for healing.

 

Accept that waves will come
Grief is not linear. It often ebbs and flows, sometimes when least expected. This is normal. As grief expert and author, Nora McInerny says, “Grief doesn’t shrink, but life grows around it.”

 

Connect with others who understand
Peer support groups or grief counseling can offer meaningful validation. Being witnessed in your pain reduces isolation and normalizes what you’re feeling. It is often especially helpful to connect with others who have experienced a similar type of loss, as this can deepen understanding and comfort. These spaces also allow you to see how grief evolves over time in others, offering hope and perspective. Groups often provide a rare and meaningful outlet for talking about your loved one, especially long after others have stopped asking about them.

 

Honor your continuing bond
You don’t have to “let go” to heal. Maintaining a symbolic relationship with the person who died, through stories, memories, or even imagined conversations, can be deeply comforting. These relationships can even develop and change over time.

 

Be patient with your pace
Grief takes time. As Dr. Wolfelt writes, “Grief requires convalescence. Something that by its nature is slow and recursive.” There’s no rush and no deadline.

 

Name your needs and ask for support
Let others know what kind of support is helpful to you, whether that’s someone sitting with you in silence, bringing a meal, checking in, or simply giving you space. People often want to help but may not know what you need unless you tell them. It is okay to have ongoing needs as you move forward with your grief, even years later.

 

Give yourself permission to experience joy.
Joy and grief can coexist. Feeling moments of lightness or laughter does not mean you are forgetting—it means you are still alive. Joy is not a betrayal of your loved one, but a reflection of the love and life that remain. These moments, however brief, can offer rest and healing. Welcome them when they come. They are part of your ongoing journey and part of your loved one’s legacy.