Brad McMasters, Grief Educator & Coach

Why speaking a loved one’s name helps

The Myth

We often avoid saying a grieving person’s loved one’s name because we’re afraid it will make them more sad. The reality: they are already carrying that sadness. Naming the person usually brings warmth, connection, and even moments of joy.

What I Ask Groups

“Who here has lost someone they love?” — almost every (if not every) hand goes up.

“Who still gets sad about that person?” — nearly every (if not every) hand goes up again.

“Who gets more sad when someone brings up that loved one?” — almost no hands (or none) are raised.

The Elephant in the Room

Avoiding the name can make conversations feel awkward, as if the loss is the elephant in the room. Naming the person acknowledges reality and gently shrinks the elephant. Your words won’t create the grief, but they can create connection.

A Real Moment

A client who lost her son a couple of years ago told me, “I love it when someone tells me a story about him.” To her, that tells her he’s still remembered, still loved, still appreciated.

If You Are Grieving — Ways to Invite the Name

• Give clear permission: “It helps when people use Alex’s name.” (Use your loved one’s name.)
• Offer a gentle script: “If you’re not sure what to say, ‘I was thinking of Alex today’ means a lot.”
• Share a memory starter list (holidays, favorites, quirks) and invite others to add theirs.
• Create a small signal (pin, bracelet, or photo) that says, “It’s okay to talk about Alex.” Dr. Alan Wolfelt distributes pins that read, “Under Reconstruction” to encourage questions and conversation.
• If you can tell that someone is very uncomfortable, just know that we are a grief-illiterate society and the person honestly doesn’t know what to say.
• When someone avoids the topic, assume good intent. Try, “It’s okay to mention him, really.”
• If it does feel hard, set boundaries kindly: “I’m tender today. Short stories are best.”
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If You Are Supporting Someone Who is Grieving

• Use their name. Simple and kind: “I miss Alex too.”
• Share a specific memory, even a small one.
• Ask open questions: “Would you like to tell me a story about Alex today?”
• Validate, don’t fix: “What you’re feeling makes sense.”
• Follow their lead. If tears come, be present; if they smile, smile with them.
• Ask what helps: “Do you prefer I bring him up, or would you like me to check first?”
• Remember meaningful dates and send a short note: “Thinking of you and Alex today.”

Why We Hesitate (and how to feel less awkward)

Most of us grew up in a grief‑illiterate society. We weren’t taught the language or skills to talk about death, so we default to silence and often mistake tears for harm. We fear saying the wrong thing or causing those tears. Try this: slow down, be sincere, and keep it simple. A short, caring sentence with the person’s name is often exactly right.

Quick scripts you can use

• “I was thinking about Alex today. Can I share a quick memory?” [Invites consent and shows genuine remembrance.]
  
• “I don’t always know what to say, but I care about Alex and about you.” [Honest humility that prioritizes care.]
  
• “I found a photo of Alex. Would you like me to send it?” [Offers a tangible connection and asks permission.]
  
• “How are you today with talking about Alex?” [Invites consent]
  
• “I worry I might make you cry if I bring up Alex.” [Acknowledges a common fear and invites guidance.]