Brad McMasters, Grief Educator & Coach

Navigating the Holidays While Grieving

 

Why the Holidays Are Hard

The holiday season is often described as “the most wonderful time of the year,” a stretch of weeks filled with warmth, celebration, and connection. But when you’re grieving, the contrast between what is and what was, can be agonizing. The season has a way of turning up the volume on absence. Music, lights, traditions, and gatherings all serve as reminders that someone is missing.

As author and grief educator Megan Devine says, “Grief and joy can exist in the same space, but they do not cancel each other out.” For many, though, joy feels unreachable during the holidays. Even cherished rituals like decorating a tree, lighting a menorah, baking cookies, or gathering for a meal can become painful reminders of a time when things were whole.

Grief doesn’t always announce itself loudly; it can be triggered by the smallest things:

  • An empty chair at the dinner table
  • A dish no longer made
  • Their handwriting on an old ornament box
  • Their favorite carol playing unexpectedly in a store

These “grief activators” can hit suddenly and hard. Author David Kessler refers to them as griefbursts – moments of sudden, intense emotion that can be triggered without warning.

There’s also the matter of grief brain which is the mental fog, forgetfulness, and exhaustion that often accompanies mourning. Grief is not just emotional; it is deeply physical. You may feel drained by simple decisions, overstimulated by crowds, or completely unable to muster the energy to participate in holiday cheer.

Social pressure only compounds the challenge. Others may expect you to smile, attend events, or “keep the traditions alive.” Well-meaning loved ones might urge you to “stay strong” or “focus on the positive,” not realizing that these comments, however well-intentioned, can feel dismissive of your pain. You may find yourself emotionally out of sync with those around you, disconnected, unseen, or quietly suffering behind a brave face.

Psychologist and author Mary-Frances O’Connor writes, “Grief is a learning process. It takes time for your brain to truly understand that your loved one is gone and to begin forming a new reality around that loss.” During the holidays, that learning process is tested. It can feel like reliving the loss all over again.

It’s okay to name this truth: the holidays are hard when you’re grieving. It’s not a sign of weakness. It’s a reflection of the love you carry and the longing that comes with it.

 What You Can Do

There’s no right way to grieve during the holidays. Here are a few ways you can support yourself during this time:

  • Give yourself permission to change or skip traditions. Just because you’ve always done something doesn’t mean you have to do it this year. You can scale it back, reimagine it, or pause it altogether.
  • Communicate your needs. Let others know what you’re up for—and what you’re not. You don’t have to explain yourself in depth.
  • Choose your company carefully. Surround yourself with people who honor your grief and don’t pressure you to perform happiness.
  • Modify meals or celebrations. Order takeout, go to a restaurant, or use paper plates. Ask someone else to host. Remove pressure where you can.
  • Set boundaries. It’s okay to leave early, say no, or take time alone. Protecting your energy is an act of self-care.
  • Create space to honor your person. Set a place at the table, make their favorite dish, or light a candle. Talk about them and say their name.
  • Take it moment by moment. You don’t have to decide everything in advance. See how you feel as the day unfolds

Assessing Holiday Traditions and Events

If you’re feeling uncertain about participating in all the usual holiday traditions or events, that’s okay. Grief is exhausting: emotionally, mentally, and physically. You might be feeling drained, scattered, or overly emotional. Even small tasks can feel overwhelming when you’re grieving.

One helpful step is to make a list of the traditions or events you’re considering and evaluate each one based on a few key questions. You can download a worksheet to help guide this process.

As you go through your list, consider:

  • Is this too demanding right now? Ask yourself if the event or tradition is too time-consuming or emotionally, physically, or socially draining. You don’t need to push through something that feels like too much.
  • Am I doing this for others? If your only reason for participating is to meet someone else’s expectations, pause. Grief is a valid time to prioritize your own needs. It’s okay to say no or step back.
  • Is there room for flexibility? Could you simplify, scale back, or skip it this year? Some traditions can be reshaped or postponed until a future holiday when they feel more manageable.
Once you’ve reflected on each activity, you can circle or rank them to help you decide what to keep, adjust, or let go of… for now or for good. You have permission to do what’s best for you.

 

Being Okay with Being Okay

Grief isn’t only about sorrow. You might find moments of joy, laughter, or even lightness this holiday season. That’s okay. Feeling good for a moment doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten or moved on. It simply means you’re human, capable of holding many emotions at once.

Give yourself permission to feel joy when it comes. Let it in without guilt. These moments are part of the healing process.

 

Resources

  • PODCASTS
    • Grief Out Loud – Episode “It’s Okay That It’s Not the Same – Grief at the Holidays” features guests discussing holiday grief in real terms.
    • Mindfulness & Grief – Episode “Coping With Grief During the Holidays: Mindful Tips & Tools” with host Heather Stang offers mindful approaches and tools for the season.

Ideas for Holiday Traditions While You Are Grieving

Traditions are often something we look forward to during the holidays as they are part of your family’s and/or friends’ shared history. But losing a loved one can challenge our thoughts and feelings about these traditions. And let’s face it, grief is exhausting, and you might not feel up to all or any of your traditions.

Here are just some of the common holiday traditions. If you create a list of your own, they may be entirely different. Here are some ideas on how they can be adapted to make space for grief while honoring loved ones and finding moments of comfort.

The first recommendation is to not assume your holidays will be totally miserable this year. There may be glimpses of happiness and joy and you are allowed to experience that without guilt.

Decorating the Tree

  • Tradition: Putting up ornaments, often with memories attached.
  • Alteration: Choose just a few special ornaments. Create a “memory ornament” tradition by adding an ornament each year in honor of your loved one. You could also have a small tree dedicated just to their memory.

Holiday Cards/Holiday Letters

  • Tradition: Sending cards to friends and family.
  • Alteration: If it feels overwhelming, consider sending just a few cards to those closest to you or even skipping this year. Write about them in your cards or letter if you feel comfortable. It can be a way to share their memory and keep their spirit alive among friends and family.

Holiday Meals

  • Tradition: Preparing and sharing a large meal.
  • Alteration: Set a place at the table for your loved one with a candle or a special memento, or make one of their favorite dishes as a tribute. Fill the empty space with someone who is also grieving the loss, perhaps someone not in the inner circle of mourning. Alternatively, make the meal simpler, try a potluck, or even go out to dinner if cooking feels too heavy this year. Chinese restaurants really are open on Christmas Day.

Gift-Giving

  • Tradition: Exchanging gifts with loved ones.
  • Alteration: If gift-giving seems like too much, ask others to give a small donation in honor of your loved one instead of traditional gifts. Or, create “memory gifts” by giving friends or family an item that reminds you of your loved one and share the story behind it. Instead of giving gifts across the eight nights of Hannukah, reduce the number of gifts.

Family Gatherings

  • Tradition: Gathering with extended family.
  • Alteration: Consider gathering in a smaller, more intimate setting or doing a shorter visit. If certain rituals or topics are too activating to your grief, let family know your needs ahead of time. Choose only the gatherings that feel right to you, and don’t hesitate to leave early if needed. Hosting a smaller gathering with close friends or having a “quiet night in” with close family can provide a gentler option.

Watching Holiday Movies

  • Tradition: Watching seasonal movies with family.
  • Alteration: Watch a holiday movie that was your loved one’s favorite or one that brings comforting memories. Or, try a new movie you haven’t seen to avoid certain memories that may feel too raw. Give Die Hard a try (it is a Christmas movie).

Lighting Candles

  • Tradition: Lighting candles as part of decor or tradition.
  • Alteration: Create a candle-lighting ceremony in honor of your loved one. Light a candle in theirname and invite friends and family to do the same as a remembrance ritual.

Holiday Music

  • Tradition: Playing traditional holiday songs.
  • Alteration: If certain songs are difficult to hear, make a playlist of more neutral or comforting music. Or, consider playing songs that remind you of positive memories with your loved one.

Stockings on the Mantle

  • Tradition: Hanging stockings for each family member.
  • Alteration: Hang a stocking in your loved one’s honor, and encourage people to put written memories or notes inside. This could become a way to keep their memory present each year.

New Year’s Reflection

  • Tradition: Reflecting on the past year and setting resolutions.
  • Alteration: Take time to reflect on your loved one’s impact on your life. Create a small ritual for honoring the new year with them in mind, perhaps by writing down memories or qualities you want to carry forward.


Lighting the Menorah

  • Tradition: Lighting the menorah together each night and reciting blessings.
  • Alteration: Light one candle in honor of your loved one before or after the traditional lighting. Say a private blessing or memory aloud. If the full ritual feels overwhelming, light the menorah only on the first night or choose one night that feels meaningful to you.

Putting Up Outdoor Lights

  • Tradition: Decorating the house with holiday lights.
  • Alteration: If you are not up for the strenuous task, just don’t do it. Set up a small, separate display just in honor of your loved one, or even a single special light or lantern that symbolizes them.

Making an Advent Calendar

  • Tradition: Counting down the days to Christmas.
  • Alteration: Create a calendar of memories, where each day reveals a photo or story of your lovedone. It can be a comforting reminder each day, like opening a window into happy times together.

Holiday Toast

  • Tradition: Toasting to health and good cheer.
  • Alteration: Add a toast to honor your loved one and share a fond memory. Each person can shareone thing they remember or love about them, keeping their presence alive in the celebration.

Hosting or Attending Seasonal Parties

  • Tradition: Going to gatherings like Halloween parties, Friendsgiving, or fall potlucks.
  • Alteration: Attend only part of an event or choose one gathering instead of several. Let the host know ahead of time that you may slip out early. Consider hosting a very small gathering if that feels more manageable.

Seasonal Crafts

  • Tradition: Making wreaths, table décor, or homemade items for fall holidays.
  • Alteration: Create a memory craft such as a wreath that includes something symbolic of your loved one. Or shift to a simpler project, like writing down memories or gratitude notes instead of making something physical.

These adjusted traditions create space for both remembering and grieving, blending familiar rituals with gentle adaptations to honor their memory and allow for healing.

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